A Chyance Is All I’m Askying For

A Message for Non-Hockey Fans From Alexander Ovechkin: "Amyerica, I love you! Gyive me a shot"

What the hell America? For years I've been trying to break through, to appeal to you, to be loved by you, and this is how you treat me? I even sat out a year, a WHOLE YEAR, to revamp myself, and I don't get jack shit. What's it gonna take, do I need to get on my knees and beg for just a little attention? I seriously want to know what I need to do for you to give me some legitimate respect in the American sporting scene. Alright, that may be a little bit of an over exaggeration, [Editor's Note: That's redundant...] but still, when’s the last time I got more than a 15-second spot on SportsCenter? I really do want you to like me, America, and I know it’ll take some convincing. So let me tell you a little more about myself, so that you can have a better idea of who I am and what you’re missing.

More after the Jump:

So hi, I’m Hockey, I’m originally from Canada, where I still have many great, loyal friends, and where I’m very popular. I moved to America in the early 20th Century, and I was a big hit in the Northern States, for it gave them something to watch during the winter when their National Past-time wasn’t being played. And for the most part, I’ve been liked in America, but only sort of like that one guy you know from school that you say hi to at a social event but would never invite to a party or would never have more than a 10 sentence conversation with. And I’m damn sick of that. “I don’t get no respect!” (if you don’t know whose catchphrase that is, you’ve never really laughed in your life).

Look, all I’m sayin’ is, I’ve got a lot to bring to the table for great American sports! Do the 1980 Winter Olympics bring anything to memory? Oh yeah, it was just the single greatest upset of all time, one that defined America, and one that will live in infamy. “Do you believe in Miracles? Yes!” [Writer's Note: this was the greatest call in sporting history. Nothing even comes close. I’m a Minnesota Twins fan, and “We’ll see ya tomorrow night” doesn’t even compare.] And can I just say, Alexander Ovechkin is possibly the most talented hockey player ever. How is this even possible? The Great One can never be matched, but God damn, no one has moves like Ovechkin. Not even Crosby, so shut the fuck up fan boys.

I literally bring all you could want in a sporting environment into one. I’m the fastest paced game on two feet, I’m physical, I’ll make your jaw drop at times, and I’m just plain fun to play and to watch! And now, with those fancy HD TV’s, you all can’t complain about not being able to see the puck, so I suggest you start watching and start enjoying, because you’re missing out!

Hey now, I’m not sayin’ football, baseball, and basketball are bad sports (well, basketball’s not that great, although none of my colleagues would ever agree with me on that) [Editor's Note: Mike, you're a clueless dick.], but you American sports fans have just never given me a chance! And really, now is the time! With the NBA lockout, you’ll need to watch something in February! (look, I know I’ve got no shot against March Madness)

So please, for my sake, for my loyal fans' sake, and for your sake, give me a shot, and find out what’s up, because trust me, there’s nothin’ like me.


Sincerely yours,
 

Hockey

- Mike Garrett